Explode

I turned my last final and paper for my sophomore year of college today at 11:43 am. I knocked the socks off it too, which was pretty sweet - it was for my RST 135 class, "The Bible and Film." Right after I got out, I went over to the Davis Barber Shop to get my ears lowered by Thi ("Tee"), the best haircut I've found since I used to go the Darrel's Barbershop in Newark when I was a kid. I don't really care much about my hair, but if I'm going to invest my money in getting it cut, I'd rather not waste in on a cut that looks like my razor came to life and attacked me in my sleep.

Anyway, I was sitting there, looking at myself in the mirror while I sat there in the barber's chair and thought: "Summer is here. In two weeks I'm going to be 20 years old. I am now halfway done with college, at the end of which GOD only knows what I'll be doing (that's a good thing.) In less than a week I'm going to be a cabin counselor at the camp where I first accepted Christ, helping high school students grow closer to the GOD I love so much. I have adult responsibilites. Two weeks after that, I will be in China."

As you can tell it was a very surprisingly introspective time, while I was getting my hair cut of all things. GOD just springs stuff on me like that sometimes, coming out the cuts with some really insightful, cutting questions or fond memories. My favorite times are those times where I'll say something to someone, or in bible study like that and be like, "dude, that was good!" I don't think up cool stuff like that.

One of the most difficult questions for me to answer is, "How are you feel?", or "What do you think about _____?" Sometimes, I don't know how I feel. This past year has been so chock full of hard lessons, times of joy, times of pain, times when the last thing I wanted to do was think about how I felt, because I was afraid of the answers. There were times when I felt like I was growing old, but not, growing up. There were times where the last thing I wanted to do was talk to GOD; But there were also times when I couldn't seem to stop. Times when I was straining to hear the voice of GOD in my pointlessly busy life, and times when there was no way I could ignore him. Times when I couldn't feel GOD, and times when I felt like I could reach out and touch him. And the most exciting part is that it never stops - GOD's always moving, and I'm doing my best to go with his flow. Geez, I love it.

What do I feel right now? Joy. Regret. Pain. Hope. Love. Longing. Remorse. Fear. Anxiety. Tension. Peace. One of things I love most about GOD is that I don't have to hide any of these emotions - I can love him with all of my heart, soul, mind and strength, even the junk. So many feelings, so amazing - my life is such a roller coaster, but I wouldn't trade it for all the riches of this world. I wouldn't it trade for a safe life, a predictable life, or an organized life... I like my broken one just fine. My life seems to spin out of my hands sometimes, but looking back, I see that it spun right out of my hands and into His. My hope for my life is this: that I'll be too busy loving Jesus to do anything else. Amen.

"For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake, he is the one who will save it." (Luke 9:24)

"Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win. Everyone who competes in the games exercises self-control in all things They then do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. Therefore I run in such a way, as not without aim; I box in such a way, as not beating the air; but I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that, after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified." (1 Corinthians 9:24-27)