My Other Journal

I have two journals. I technically have more than that in terms of physical books filled with lined, blank pages, but I'm talking about two kinds of journals; you're reading one of them right now. This journal is a place where I talk about anything and everything that passes through my mind and heart. Well, just about everything. You see, this internet journal is whatever I want it to be. I can edit, revise, delete, and rethink anything that I want before I put it out in the open for the whole world to see. The thoughts, experiences, and feelings grow and mature in my heart for a long time before they finally come to fruition. I don't just make things up, by any stretch of the imagination; I mean to say that these entries represent thoughts, actions, and experiences that have been a blessing and encouragement to me as I have strived to become conformed to the image of Christ, and my hope in leaving them here is that might be a blessing to pilgrims who are walking the same straight and narrow that I now traverse.

You might say this blog is like another me, but my hope and prayer is that that is not true. These writings do not form some sort of alter-ego; It's still me, but it's the strong me, the faithful me, the thoughtful me, the spirit of power, love and self-discipline of the saint that Christ has created in me. It's the side of me that I desire to embrace, the side of me where doubt holds no lasting hold and death and decay have no power. The side of me where experience is traslated into wisdom by the grace of GOD. I am free from the constraints of time here, free to dispel the nagging voices of fear, doubt, and disbelief before my fingers even touch the keys. In the pages of this journal, every moment is flavored with the Gospel, every experience the voice of GOD. But in reality, I do not always see life this way, at least as it unfolds moment by moment; I don't pray without ceasing, sometimes my brain shuts off, and sometimes I am just a jerk. I miss out. I miscommunicate. I fail.

This is where my other journal comes in: it exists in the deepest chambers of my heart, where I, in all my sinfulness and shame, come to GOD just as I am, with everything. And everything is a lot. It is on those pages that I write my darkest questions and most despairing psalms, thoughts that never see the light of day for fear that they might gain power. It is there where GOD and I meet: no fascades, no lies, no hiding. The sacred and the profane. The HOLY and the wholly hopeless. But I can't tell you too much more than that, because those are moments that God and I alone share. It is there, in those pages, that I become reacquainted with the rhythm of grace, and take one more step into the life I've always wanted: the passionate pursuit of Christ Jesus, who first pursued me. And that brings me back to this place, these words; sharing my journey from far to near, from here to there, and back again.

What a journey this has been, is, and will be; it's a good thing I have two journals.

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. (Proverbs 4:23)

(I don't really touch on my feelings about the impact of technology on building relationships in this post; maybe later I'll take a look at my own life for that one. But for now, I will simply work to love people, face-to-face, the best I can. See my "Secret Faith" post for more on my thoughts about relationships.)

See you soon.